Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Always I mentioned that i am a "feeler", well this is wat a "feeler" is:

Empathics (Feelers)

General:
· place high values on human interaction
· seek & enjoy stimulation of others
· try to analyse & understand their emotions & others
· concern for & understanding of people makes them astute in reading between the lines
· listeners who empathise

Occupational:
· entertainers, sales people, writers, teachers, P.R. people, nurses, psychologists, retail & real estate business people
· meetings, events, networking, crises, selling (both ideas & solutions), training coaching, organisational politics

Typical behaviour:
· seen as dynamic & stimulating, warm & closely in touch with others
· demonstrate ability to be sensitive to the needs and want of others
· note discrepancies between speech & expression & outward behaviour & inner feelings
· sensitive to their own motives & motives of others
· seen as perceptive and insightful
· sought out to help with complex emotional problems & situations, to interpret meanings of behaviour or assess climate & morale of a group
· effective in predicting the ways that others may respond or react to a projected change or an action

At their best:
· truly perceptive & aware
· skilled in communication & patient, practical listeners & observers
· read and assess organisational politics with accuracy & insight
· can position and see change in ways that reduce resisting forces before the fact - increasing likelihood of cooperation, teamwork & progress

At their worst:
· seen as more concerned with process of interaction than content or action that people are interacting about
· much less interested in developing concepts, plans or programs or in systematically getting them to function
· seen as individuals who rely less on logic & thought & more on gut feel
· may be more preoccupied with making emotional impact on others or persuading them than being concerned about the ends
· take their own emotional reactions and inferences of others feelings as “fact”
· sometimes seen as defensive and over-reactive
· may be criticised for subjectivity, & emotionalism - which may be seen as a substitute for action
· tend to fan latent emotional sparks into real fires - whilst disappointed if others don’t share their concerns about the importance of feelings as the cornerstone for meaningful action and change

Under stress:
· risk being seen as subjective, impulsive, insufficiently deliberate, indifferent to tradition and custom, cavalier about details or prudent measures valued by others
· can become thin-skinned or over-reactive and may overstep desire to be outspoken and dramatic possibly lacking good sense and humility
· moods fluctuate widely reacting to the feelings of the moment - causing uneven and erratic behaviour - sometimes this causes others to question their credibility

Time:
· more orientated to past, past experience - to make present meaningful to themselves and others
· as they age - likely to become sentimental

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Mmm i am so bored that i replayed Final Fantasy X just to see the ending once more... stoopid weather so cold and wet that make me dont feel like going to gym today. Eyes getting heavier every moment now... hoping that the rain will stop so at least can go over to Mannix to play with lanterns once more... sure reminded me of my childhood haha...

Childhood... memories of the past... the past, both pleasant and unpleasant... thinking more of the unpleasant ones these few days... mmm how did them shaped me what i am today... I often proclaimed myself as a "feeler", try to feel each and everyone's feelings, but is it the right thing to do? Think the fact was that when I was young, i often felt neglected to a certain extent, i really hope that someone will feel how i feel like once in a while... issit possible? I really dont know... these few days really need to dig out my sorry past... need to get over them... perhaps some of them had been kept inside me for years and ages that i cannot even remember when...

Bullies... existed everywhere whenever you go... been exposed to a lot of cases of bullying so far in my life... worst case was that i was whacked so badly that i landed up in hospital, had three nose operations and still only have about 60% to 70% of my smell only... people aruged that I am so big sized, who dared to bully me? Somemore I am a black belt in taewondo etc etc... well i dont know... never been violent in my life... well maybe now i am violent... trying to divert what i had kept in me for years... sometimes deep in my heart, i really hoped that i am the bully, rather than the bullied... Up to now i really still cannot understand the fact why i never be able to fight back these bullies... Am I too scared? Am I a coward? Am I just a sissy?... I really dont know... I lost most of my self-confidence during this time... and i had been trying hard to regain that lost aspect of mine...

Lost of self-confidence... well in psychology, there is a study on why humans will choose to fight or flight from their problems and issues that they will be facing... and self confidence sure played a large part... that part of me had been lost for a long time too... people often commented that they wanted to be like me, so confident when presenting in classes, giving speeches easily and even speaking out my mind in front of a huge crowd without even a tingle in my knees... but sometimes i really feel that i wear a mask here and there... deep inside i am just a coward refusing to face any challenges especially in romance coz i always felt inferior to other guys... now trying to escape, escape into a deep isolated hole far away from everyone else? Is this the only way i can perform? One will never know... my brainchild, my hopes, my dreams and my ideas... really need the self confidence to back these up... Is that the way to define success???

"The pathway to success is often pre-determined by oneself, no one can tell you what success is... it is a level in which you believe what you have achieved in life is called success... but is this level of success the highest level you can achieve? or this level of success what other people think it is success? The answer is for you to decide and make a choice on..."

*yawn* now at MUISS doing my Managing Info Systems assignment on Monash University... Think i really have a fetish about Monash because my assignment will be on Monash if I have the choice... haha mmm anyway now i am designing an online suggestion system website for Monash and every assignment i did for Monash, I can feel that Project SIS is very much closer to realisation...

Project SIS, the ultimate brainchild of mine... mmm always wanted to complete it in order to "make" Monash the best university in Australia... but well as i research more into Monash, the more depressed i had became and the problems that Monash is facing is sure... errr "stupid" to put it bluntly... Well i guess at this point of time, i just need to focus on my studies once more as time again is running out on me for exams.... *SIGH*

These few days had been living hell for me... dont know why... keke but i am sure happy that i can communiate well and be myself when toking to her... haha sure had fun with her yesterday night... *dont get the wrong idea arh* but i am glad that i am not just a nobody to her anymore... now i really regretted for not giving her the card that i bought for her and definitely the friendship pen that i had made for her halfway and suddenly decided to strip it all apart... haha guess it is one of those times that you showed a slight regret that the things you had done before...

mmm now the problem is with someone else... mmm how to face her properly once more... and be myself when talking to her *sigh* Think it is getting painful for me... esp like everyone kept asking me, are they together yet or are they not? "You should know coz you are his close friend... blah blah blah" mmm seems like putting salt on my wounds and oil into the raging fire...

Dont know what will hold for me this week... well just now struggling to finish couple of my assignments first before i am ready to tackle revision for the exams... dammed sure got a lot of online lectures to catch on... mmm hope that this week i can go onto "HYPER MODE" soon or i am screwed again..

These few days continuously been going to gym torturing my whole body... mmm well guess Paul is right, going to gym will help to relive stress and pressure as well... haha and make your body look nicer as well~! Speaking of Paul, he sprained his back during gym... well bro, take care man... keep it warm and dont overexert yourself anymore~! haha also remember the Sinfield ep. "The Contest"? haha dont satisfy yourself too haha, bad for your back! *evil grin*

Time to get back to work... going to be a long night again...

PS: Happy Mid-Autumn(I mean spring in Melbourne) Festival~

"The cowherd boy and the moon princess are fated to be together for eternity but they are also meant to be separated for eternity... They are only brought together once every mid-Autumn Festival where a bridge of light brings them to each others' embrace... only to be once again separated from each others' love"

Monday, September 27, 2004

FARK IT!!!! I TYPE SO MUCH AND THE WHOLE THINGY GOT DELETED!!!

Well summarised wat i had typed in the past hr...

1. Thanks Paul for your advice... really woke me up~!

2. My life sux, now dying to return to my life in isolation like last year.

3. I now fark what other people think... if i think that i look better in a certain way, i will think it too... so fark ur comments.

4. I am not a leader, helper or successful person, so fark wat people think as well...

Thanks all~!

mmm feeling better already with all the farking ard hahah

Sunday, September 26, 2004

Suddenly came to realise something about myself... I dont know why sometimes, i think that life is unfair to me... well maybe thats perhaps some training to make me stronger... *I hope*...

It is one of those times AGAIN, when an initative is taken to court someone u think is special and you find out that someone else is courting her? mmmm sounds familiar? well now is that well, it is your good friend and what you going to do about? mmm well then you just suddenly feel that you and him are worlds apart and well... mmmm dont know wat to comment...

~sigh~

it is those times again...
mmm wanted to go out for a drive to the beach, looking the sunrise for once after so many years... really missed the days that i would go midnight cycling in Singapore, stopping anywhere that i deemed fit that will be a perfect spot for sunrise and reflected my life as one more day just slip away from my grasp....

Went to MUMSU ball today, it was quite good i think... well the performance were actually quite out of the blue... sadly to say was that our seats were not very good and could not see most of the stuff... saw a lot of people there and PR quite a bit later in the end... well if not the most special thing was perhaps i had the company of my friends there... hope you guys had fun there! Especially Daryl whom last minute agreed to go to the Ball with me... keke, thanks alot, appreciate it a lot~!

After that went to Paul's place, I am sorry Paul, did not get any present or special stuff for you... but think you already got the best present in the world~ someone who is there for you and you are assured that she is there for you too~ After that dropped by Wangwei's place... mmm dammed unlucky, lost a lot of money in Blackjack... sheesh, really no luck in gambling man... haha...

mmm maybe later going to the beach after all with Winson... haha seems that we guys have a lot in common nowadays... mm later still need to return the car at 11am plus... how i wished i got a car man...~!

Friday, September 24, 2004

Renee had just left the house... mmm last blog entry before i go bathe... need to rest my tired body....

"Just felt so hopeless in love, the sky turned gloomy once something happened, it just seemed that it understood my moods, my feelings and the pain in my heart. I did not know what to say and what to do, except staring into the computer screen, thinking of the issues i had faced in the previously weeks. This was tough and I felt like crying once again.

To love someone and take the first step is hard enough, but the accept the first step of rejection is much harder. Anything that is first is great, first love, first kiss and even the first feeling that you have when you see that certain someone is something worth remembering even in the future, you both may not be together... But anything that is first is bad as well first breakup, first quarrel and even the first feeling that you think that you are sick of that someone special is something that you hope to forget, even when both of you are together in the near future....

When i first saw you in my life, things did not turn the way it expected.
When i first saw you laugh, i felt my heart laugh to.
When i first saw you depressed, i felt my heart crying out.
When i first saw you with the guy, i felt lost and did not where to go

But life is like that... but everytime you lost a sense of direction, dont despair, because I am sure that I will be there for you in anyways I could. But the sad thing is that when I lost my sense of direction, I further fell into the pits of despair because i am sure that you are not there for me... even you do, it is just for sympathy not love..."
now still waiting for Renee to finish bathing... so lets blog somemore~ keke i am sure on a roll now haha

How to actually know that you are interested in a gal? questions to ask? mmmm issit someone u are subconsciously interested in? or issit u like that gal for the sake of liking someone or just for a relationship? mmm only time can tell... mmm would one make the effort to go after someone in which he thinks that he is interested in? and wat efforts would you actually considered as real efforts? or you like leave it to the strings of fate to tie both of you tog?

I am just now sick of life, just feel very tired... coz of what is happening ard me to a certain extent, and i really need someone to confine to... none can understand how i feel... so is this the reason why i should find someone now? will that particular someone understand how i feel? People dont know what i am going through now and even though i tell them, they will not understand it.. some may undertsand parts of it... but without the complete picture, this is totally useless... who to blame.... I really blamed myself... i always do things in stages and i normally skipped stages which i deemed as unnecessary so that i can be way ahead of others in terms of strategic planning and thinking... so many people dont understand how i think, plan and relate to others... sometimes i really felt depressed... really thought that i found someone that i can relate to... but well at this current stage, it is just an imaginary past....

MUISS elections had made me thinking.... a lot of people feel that I am manipulating the remaining committee for the next term so that I could be president. I declared now that i had every intentions and desire to be MUISS president... but not to that desperate to manipulate people... so i told some of the members i FARKED the position of the president.... *Gosh* maybe people feel that i am boastful that my resume looked good enough and i do not need the presidency of MUISS to make it look better... but my true intentions are to help international students in Monash and I am being accused of something that I am so upset about... I am taking a huge risk here man, next year is my last year and i think that I am doing what i think i am doing for the best interest of MUISS.... but why dont people understand??? even so at least trust my judgement for once.... so well FARK THE EXECS POSITIONS!!!!
mmm just came back from tennis with some of the MUISS guys and gym as well... today went to DIMA with Maggie because she needed some company with her to get her working visa. Had a good talk with her and i felt that maybe i know her better.... Dont worry Maggie, I still like you...! keke heard some disturbing news again as usual... mmm why the heck i keep listening to disturbing news again and again... mmmmm

*the theory of classical conditioning = it is about this guy called Palvo who actually made dogs 'drool' when they heard the sound of a bell ringing; like dogs, people can be conditioning to behave in a certain way due to some form of stimulus*

mmm i sure hope that this theory works on me man... coz all this disturbing news are disturbing me and i hope that they will make me stronger so that i can rebound faster~!

Being able to talk to her again had made me relived and i hope that she is relived as well... being on a more friendly side with her without any strings of deception and thoughts of sadness had really made me feel good... am i back to myself again? mmm one can wonder more and more... but well exams are coming soon... and i already feeling the stress now more than ever... esp i just failed an assignment.... in management... damn... really do not deserved the title of "Management Guru" anymore...

PS: better saved this before my comp crash again~

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Feel like crying now... been typing my blog for the past hr and the stoopid computer hang~! cow... mmm maybe it is a sign that i should not publish that blog... but well heck care it man.... will try to restored what i had typed just now....

Now i will choose to start with the positive aspects of wat i had typed just now.... Mmm i summarised this year for me as quite a good experience for me even though as the expense of my results so far.... but there are something that i had learn could not even compensated by good results. Maybe here are a few of them which i felt definitely have an impact with my life...

1. Starting work with my tutor, Liz (learn a lot of things that uni cannot provide me, but sometimes i felt that i am being exploited to a certain extent... but I am willing i guess)

2. Working in MUISS (helps me to see a lot of things in life and uni... at least i knew that my predictions for Monash even before i knew more about it was true to a certain extent and i had see the true university life instead of just the ignornant international student aspect)

3. Being the vicepresident of SAM (knew a lot of people ranging from Monash Uni staff to SIF pple to Contact Singapore pple to other people... working with Joseph had made me see one important harsh reality of life which is "Tua Kang")

4. Being the Chairman of Connexions 2004 (still felt that it was not a success but had the opportunity to talk to Dr Tan, the Director of SIF which had changed my whole perspective of life... but i still yet to find the missing element to reinforce that particular idea)

5. Living in Seascape (shall not comment on it until later but i feel that sometimes living with friends can put a huge strain on friendship as well relationships)

6. Loving this particular person (sometimes it is just better to stay as friends, and i really miss the good times we had as compared to this year)

7. Loving another person (what is not fated will not be fated)

8. Having more coffee outings with people (learn a lot of things and they definitely helps to improve social connections~!)

Mmm think thats all for now i guess... but i feel that these things had changed my perception. However, as personality influence perception a lot, i guess it will be difficult to change things with a snap of a finger and i really need to consider that... will definitely give serious thoughts into these issues man... esp if i am going to be a leader or a member of a group in the future~
mmm these few days had been troubled with my household issues and few other stuff... but the point was raised that someone need not prove anything if he/she feel that it is not against his/her conscience....well i totally agreed with that but well that is one little problem... that is conscience is defined much by personality and character of an individual.... someone should know better that what his/her character is and to wat extent it had defined his/her conscience... thats the truth... if anyone wants to disagree with me.... readers of this blog, u get what i mean....

After searching my conscience this week, the following points are valid for me with regards to these issues:

1. I am sorry that i did not have the strength to move out of seascape when i saw my room.
2. I am sorry that i am dependent on others and hoping that things will turn out for the better.
3. I am sorry that i am seeking appreciation for the suffering that i am gone through.
4. I am sorry that i had overestimated my abilities and strengths.
5. I am sorry that i had understimated my thoughts and weaknesses.
6. I am sorry that i am not upfront with my household issues.
7. I am sorry that i had always prayed for the best that things will happen without putting decisive actions to it
8. I am sorry that i had been dependent on other people's views about life.
9. I am sorry that i am emotional about others' welfare and feeling.
10. I am sorry that i never never never in my life place myself first rather than other people....

Thats all i feel like saying now.... off for gunbound with my charms charms~!

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Mmm seem like always nowadays when i write a blog is like when i got trouble etc etc... mmm kept thinking wats so different bewteen me this year and last year.... mmm results definitely was one of them.... think i may replan my schedule...

mmm well been always say that... but often over time, i will change my mind etc etc... seems that ever i joined MUISS, i spend most of my time there... seems like a form of escapsim from Seascape... dont know man... really shldnt move out of SEF last year... think this year i made shit myself... mmm really need to re-organise my life... mmm my life is in tatters and so are my grades... mmmm really need to think of myself at this pt of time... but how to fix my mind? mmm think i will adapt a more drastic approach about my life.... mmm going to cut my hair real real short... no pt keeping hair right? only take up unnecessary energy... hahahah